Some of you may be aware we lost our grandson Ryan to suicide two years ago this coming December. With her permission, his mother’s Facebook post entitled “Life After Suicide” follows.
September is Suicide Awareness Month. I feel a need to speak out. Not really sure why or even what to say. Obviously, I know nothing about how to prevent a suicide and I couldn’t possibly be more “aware” of the impact that suicide can have on those left behind. I regularly hear, “I just can’t imagine” so I thought I would take a moment during Suicide Awareness Month to share some of my insights and experiences from this side of suicide.
1. There is an entire world of people out there on the same path as me. —– Y’All! There are so many people that have lost loved ones (specifically children) to suicide. I was naively unaware of the vast number of people that live with this pain. My therapist recommended that I seek out a group of moms like me. I did that through Facebook. So, so many groups. It’s heart wrenching. I still haven’t found my tribe. To date, the groups I have found seem to focus on the pain of the loss rather than how to experience joy WHILE processing the pain. I mean absolutely no judgment about how others process their loss. That’s just not the path I have chosen. I will find the right tribe for me soon enough. That brings me to the next insight…..
2. Recovery from suicide is lonely. —– I believe grief from losing anyone for any reason is lonely in the sense that each person’s journey is unique not necessarily that grieving is done alone. It’s a simple fact that there is not another person on the planet that has experienced EXACTLY the same thing as me. Not even Byron. Yes, we are both Ryan’s parents, but I grieve as a mother and he grieves as a father. Different perspectives. Unique journeys.
3. There is nothing anyone can do to help. —– I am not saying attempts at helping are not appreciated. Oh my goodness, are they ever!! The reality is that nothing can soothe the pain of this broken heart. I loved every single act of kindness that was thrown our way because each was a reminder of how much we are loved even though it didn’t lessen the pain. Definitely keep spreading love through hot, cheesy casseroles!!
4. There are a lot of things people can NOT do to help. —– Do not judge. If you think you know anything about the situation, just assume you are wrong and keep your thoughts to yourself. So many people thought they knew how to handle our private business better than we did. We were attacked in person and online with one of my children being told by many complete strangers that is was our fault. Would you believe that I had people private message me to ask me how Ryan committed suicide? Yeah, don’t do any of those things. If you do not know every single detail of a private situation, you don’t even have a right to an opinion. The only thing anyone has a right to do is offer nonjudgmental support.
5. It feels really good to hear Ryan’s name. —– Never be afraid to say the name of the person who has passed. You won’t “remind” the loved one that their special person is gone. Trust me, it can’t be forgotten. When I hear Ryan’s name, it reminds me you haven’t forgotten that he lived.
6. Life goes on. —– The world as we knew it did pause for a while. Thankfully, life didn’t stop the day Ryan died. I can’t imagine being stuck in the intensity of that day for the remainder of my life. Even with the pain, the sun came out again, laughter returned, and a new life sprouted from the darkness. It hasn’t been easy. It has been a choice to be wrestled with daily.
7. It’s okay for life to be good. —– I decided early on that my love for Ryan would not be measured by the depth and/or length of my grief. The grief isn’t going anywhere. It’s tattooed on my heart. I suspect I will process it for the rest of my life. With the understanding that the pain will never fully go away, I decided it’s okay to live a great life in spite of the pain. I refuse to give grief the joys I have left in life through my experiences of being a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, and friend.
This side of suicide is a rough road. For me it has been a path paved with focused, purposeful, intentions geared towards healing. Grief has been taken head on and not suppressed. The result of that decision has been experiencing anguish previously unimaginable. Another result is that a really good life has come between the waves of pain. If you are lost in grief, you too can have a really good life! Don’t believe the lie that you should feel guilty for experiencing joy again.
For Suicide Awareness Month, I am asking anyone that needs help to please reach out to someone. If that someone doesn’t listen, keep reaching out. Call me if needed. Please face your pain so that your loved ones don’t have to do it without you. Face it together. There is strength in numbers.
Peace, love, and joy to all!
Melissa Gabehart
Thanks for your vulnerability and for sharing.