Category: Conversations Matter

You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved. The only reliable path to resolving problems is to find the shortest path to effective conversation.
…The longer the lag time during which you act out your feelings rather than talk them out, the more damage you’ll do to both relationships and results.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

This post continues reflections on Heather Holleman’s The Six Conversations, I will return to Death & Dying later, frankly I need a break.
In writing this series and attempting to have meaningful conversations, I have discovered meaningful conversations are not easy. It is no surprise death and dying conversations are difficult, but generally it ain’t easy to have meaningful conversations.

Based on experience, I contend that there is an inverse proportional relationship between meaningful conversations and the caliber of relationship. i.e. the closer the relationship the more difficult, or less likely, it is for meaningful conversations to occur. There are exceptions, but the key point is “meaningful”. Close relationships are typically filled with fun, entertaining and informative conversations but when meaningful and/or serious topics arise— not so much. Either the conversation shuts down or it is diverted to a less risky topic.

If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person.

Crucial Conversations

That is a reality that should prompt serious assessment of the health of the relationship or, at a minimum, an examination of how qualified I am to have meaningful conversations. Hopefully these posts help us become better qualified.

Barriers to meaningful conversations

FEAR AND SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
IN chapter 7 Holleman observes: “most people fear more than anything else in the world. Shame. They fear exposure. They fear looking stupid. They become incredibly self-conscious that people are evaluating them.”
I believe that to be true, and with those closest to us, the fear of shame rises exponentially. Reasons why meaningful conversations are often more difficult are several. Holleman identifies shame and self-consciousness as a significant factor.. I found these citations worthwhile counsel for dealing with shame and self-consciousness:

The more weakness, failure, vulnerability, and shortcomings you display in conversation, the more close conversation partners become. Why? It’s because you can experience acceptance, unconditional love, and a common bond of shared weakness.

(p. 110).

“self-disclosure is the process of revealing personal information to another person, and it is a well-documented behavior that promotes liking and closeness within new relationships…the more you share embarrassing or vulnerable things about yourself, the more people will like you, trust you, and connect with you”

(p.110-111)

Other people need conversation. You offer a great gift to them when you enter into a conversation. Margaret Wheatley, an expert in community building, reminds us that “we can also take courage from the fact that many people are longing to be in conversation again. We are hungry for a chance to talk. People want to tell their story, and are willing to listen to yours. People want to talk about their concerns and struggles. Too many of us feel isolated, strange, or invisible. Conversation helps end that.”

(pg. 112-113).

Other barriers which come to mind are:

Secular society
Disenchantment
Meaningful conversations are rituals in which the presence of scared can be seen and felt and experienced. In a society in which belief in God is just one human possibility among others; they are are avoided and/or discountedbecoming casualties of a secular mindset which eschews the sacred and resists transcendence.

Individualism
In a society where concern for self is the highest priority, there is no foundation for meaningful conversations, which require empathy and concern for others .

Digital Communication
There is an increasing reliance on digital communication to “converse”with others. Useful and sometimes helpful, digital communication cannot replace human face to face interaction required for meaningful conversation.

Noise/Distractions
The difficulty of having meaningful conversations amid the noise and distractions of every day circumstances should not be underestimated. Engagement with others is subordinated by smartphones constantly notify us of texts, email, Tik Tock, Facebook, Twitter notifications. The secular mindset even often makes children and pets distractions.

Proximity
Without question, face to face is the context most conducive to meaningful conversations. The way communities and families are structured and function often inhibit proximity.

Other barriers could be mentioned, and those above deserve more explanation; but I think that is enough to support a contention that meaningful conversations ain’t easy.
I am increasingly convinced the absence of meaningful and loving conversations is a major factor contributing to discord and division in our society including families and churches.

Closing thoughts

• Meaningful conversations are rare and precious. Due to their transcendent nature, they are received, not manufactured; like a fragrant rose, we must attend to their presence or miss full experience. Pay attention to relationships and such rare occasions, stop and smell the roses.
• For conversations to be meaningful and loving , participants will value and exhibit concern for others, empathy, humility —overtly Christian qualities.
  “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”. Philippians 2:3–4;
  which explains, in part, my assertion that meaningful loving conversations are a spiritual discipline.
  Meaningful, loving conversations are not exclusive to Christians but the reality of a famine of meaningful conversations among Christians, and between Christians and others, is cause for deep concern and self-examination.
  

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

I have been deeply impressed with the importance of loving conversations and concluded they should be recognized and adopted as a spiritual discipline. That is all good, except for the realization I’m not very good at loving conversations. Reasonably decent at conversation, it’s the loving part that’s a challenge. 
That became apparent, earlier this week, as I attempted to have a conversation with Ann . It was very discouraging to fail to employ insights I have been sharing in my posts. 
My failure revealed an absence of — love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control — all qualities necessary for loving conversation and most importantly, fruits of the Spirit.

George Ezell – March 25, 2023

Despite my daughter’s protest, I will repeat a classic illustration of communication failure for me.
40+ years ago — manager at Ford Motor Company— elder and Bible teacher in our church —loving husband and father of five children — overly confident of my communication expertise; I received this Father’s Day card from our teenage daughter:

Obviously, failure at communication is not a new problem for me. I’d like to think my recent stumble was an abberation, but the truth is, it was’t an exception. Honestly assessing adverse relational experiences reveals a common denominator, communication failure — characterized by either an unwillingness to communicate, or an inability to communicate effectively. Conversely, positive relational experiences, are almost always bathed in meaningful, loving conversation.

When conversation goes wrong, the potential for anger, pain, division, hatred and harm is real. A significant factor energizing and sustaining current social and political chaos, and dysfunctional personal relationships, is conversation gone wrong.
The pertinent question is “What’s going wrong?”

Chapter 5 – What Goes Wrong In Conversation

As we think about developing satisfying and warm relationships—and the wonderful purpose of meaningful conversations to connect, encourage others, share our lives, and love people well—is a great time to ask what’s going wrong in our conversational patterns.
Self-examination leads to significant improvement in our friendships as we honestly assess toxic patterns in how we relate to others. I know what you’re thinking. It’s other people who make it hard for you to have close relationships. They are the problem, right?

Who Am I ?

Arrogant, my perceived status as a more excellent human being shapes my relations with others. Since he I am superior to others, I do not regard others as having anything to offer me, nor do I believe they have the ability to enrich my life. The views and opinions of others are not of interest to me, and I treat them with disdain. Others owe me, in virtue of my excellence, a special sort of deference. I establish hierarchical and nonreciprocal relationships with my fellow human beings. Relationships marked by a lack of the mutual enrichment … an essential component of true friendship.

OR

a humble person that believes every person offers something of value. Every person I encounter might teach me something, or I might grant them a fresh perspective, or support and help them in just the way they need. A humble person positions themselves to experience awe because of what they experience by being with another person.

Having conversation is a minefield. I want to believe I am a humble person, however, after pondering Halleman’s pitfalls (land mines) to avoid in conversation, it is a miracle I experience meaningful, loving conversations at all. If I ever gave the impression that meaningful, loving conversations are an easy answer, I was wrong.
I’ve got a lot of work to do and time is getting short. Take some time to engage in self-examination of your conversation experiences.

Pitfalls to avoid in conversation

Criticizing
It’s easy for me to find what’s wrong about a situation or a person. I enjoy pointing out what isn’t working or what I don’t like about something. Most of my conversations involve me telling others what offends me or upsets me about someone.

Complaining
It’s natural for me to complain about how bad my day is going. I complain about my work, my problems, my health, and my family. I have a difficult time expressing gratitude or finding out what’s going well.

Advice-giving
When people share a problem with me, I immediately tell them what to do because I have experienced that and have wisdom. I always know what’s best for people.

Self-absorption I love to talk about myself and focus on what I need. When I’m in conversation, I cannot wait for you to stop talking so I can share my ideas and what I need from you. I often speak for long stretches and expect others to listen attentively.

Divisiveness
I often pit people against each other or speak in a way that’s “us versus them.” I believe we have real enemies, and it’s my job to warn you about how bad other people are. I’m not interested in finding common ground with people who believe differently from me about religion or politics.

Flattery I want people to like me, so I find ways to compliment them even if I don’t believe what I’m saying. I want people to feel good around me, so I say disingenuous things. I just want to please people.

Manipulation
In conversation, I like to think about what I can get from a person or how I can use them to my advantage to advance my goals. I believe strongly in networking and in finding friends who have power or prestige so they can help me in my goals. I also speak to people to secretly get them to do what I want.

Codependence
I like people needing me and wanting me to solve their problems. I want my children, spouse, friends, and coworkers to always need me. I also expect others to always be there for me to make me feel better and solve my problems. I’m always checking in on my friends and feel anxious if too many hours go by without me knowing how they are doing.
Gossip
Most of my conversations involve sharing private information about others, talking about the lives of other people, or asking about other people’s misfortunes so I can feel better about myself.

Arrogance
I often believe I am better than others because of my financial status, ethnicity, race, education, or gender. I am bored by the interests and opinions of others and would rather talk about my own ideas. I see myself as superior to others and do not think they have anything of real value to offer me.

This post reinforced my conclusion that loving conversation is a spiritual discipline, however, an interesting perspective has emerged in this process. Rather than just seeing loving conversation as a spiritual discipline yielding spiritual formation, it can also be understood as fruit of the Spirit.
Assuming that debatable perspective to be valid, the presence or absence of loving conversation could be a reliable barometer of spiritual health and vitality, good or ill. For me, that presents some very uncomfortable realities.

My failure revealed an absence of — love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control —

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Reading “The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility.” affirmed many previously held understandings about conversations and their role in healthy relationships.

My introduction to Heather Halleman and “The Six Conversations” came via a “No Small Endeavor” podcast . The podcast is an excellent and convenient introduction.
I was hooked after hearing :

“The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.”

This post is primarily citations from Chapter 2. I believe Heather’s insights on Theology of a Loving Conversation are more than adequate to establish a theological basis for loving conversations.
Succeeding posts will address some implications I believe loving conversations could have on one’s faith journey.

Chapter Two – Theology of a loving conversation

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  (Phil. 2:3)

My loving conversations, rooted in Philippians 2, became my primary act of service and the way I humbled myself to take on the nature of a servant. As I continued to grow in the art of a loving conversation, I found so much biblical support for the Four Mindsets. Paul’s command to discover the interests of others related directly to my becoming a curious person.

Honoring others related to positive regard, and I found more commands to walk “with humility toward one another” (1 Peter 5:5).

Paul even tells us to “outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom. 12:10). But what about the idea of investment and expressing concern about others?

Paul tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice [and] weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) and to “carry each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2 NIV). How would I know how to rejoice if I never ask about anyone’s good news? How would I encourage and comfort others if I never ask about how they are struggling?

And, most vitally, how could I continue in my past ways of selfishness if I ever wanted to uphold Jesus’ command to love one another as He has loved me (John 15:12)?

…consider the command to share our lives in verses like James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Telling other people how we’re struggling invites this kind of prayer and healing. It’s also a way to allow the often-quoted verse in Proverbs 27:17 to come about: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Allowing this “sharpening” involves humility and the willingness to live vulnerably.

Paul seems especially passionate about the importance of sharing one’s life as he penned the first letter to the Thessalonian church. He explains how delighted and ready he was to “share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves” (1 Thess. 2:8). I read this verse carefully as a young professional who wanted to build a philosophy of living as a teacher and friend. What would it mean to share my “own [self]” in the work God had called me to do as a teacher, mother, and friend? Sharing my life with others—my struggles, my hopes, my fears, and my victories—would forever become part of the art of conversation and a vulnerable risk I would choose to take over and over again.

If we look deeper into this idea of sharing “our own selves” from a biblical perspective, we might consider John 17 and the way Jesus prays for believers. Jesus prays that we would “be one” together just as the Father was in Him (v. 21). Think about the commands in Scripture to have “unity of mind” (1 Peter 3:8); to see ourselves as “one body” who are “members one of another” (Rom. 12:5); to understand our baptism into “one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free” (1 Cor. 12:13); and to live so interconnected that if someone “suffers, all suffer together” and if someone “is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Cor. 12:26).

Essentially, Jesus’ desire for our interconnectedness reflects what the science of relationships now confirms. To put it simply, think of the famous quote from C. S. Lewis, who writes that all friendship comes from that moment when someone says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”
When you share mutually, you find the connection on which all great relationships depend.

Finally, God marvelously shares His life with us. The incarnation of God—who came to earth and made His dwelling among us—shows us God’s desire to share and give up His very life to make a way for us to know Him. And He gives us the greatest gift of the Holy Spirit so we might experience union with Him. The Lord shares His thoughts with us as the Holy Spirit uses Scripture and prayer to communicate with His people. In Psalm 25:14, we read how “the friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.”

God desires intimate connection with us, and Jesus gave up His life on the cross that we might be in conversation with the living God. Jesus Himself opened up and shared His sorrow in the garden of Gethsemane as told in Matthew 26:38. He says, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” That moment of vulnerability reminds me that God desires connection.
Conversations matter to God, and He models a perfect way to connect with others.

I want to grow in my ability to connect with others through loving conversations. I want to see conversations as a sacred space. Let’s think about our next conversation as a way to honor others above ourselves, to value others above ourselves and take an interest in them, to encourage one another, to demonstrate kindness and compassion, and ultimately, to love people. When we do this, we reflect God’s character.

STILL ON THE JOURNEY